Monty - You Terrible Cunt!

What the fuck!

2006-09-21T14:08:00.000+01:00

Where do you start?

Pompey are top of the league.

We're unbeaten.

We haven't conceded a goal.

I must be fucking dreaming! Granted our manager is still a sheisty cunt and had the luckiest of escapes when he didn't turn up to collect the other half of his hundred grand and get filmed doing it by Panorama, but then we all know he's made of Teflon. You've got to love him really. No matter how deep the shit he always comes up smelling of roses.

Anyway, I digress. A clean sheet against Bolton on Monday night and we've equalled Cheski's record of clean sheets to start a season! It's all a bit surreal to be honest. We leaked like a sieve last season and the credit for the transformation must be down to Tony Adams. I know we signed Sol, but Adams is the brains behind it all. He has clearly realised that pairing the big gay bear with Linvoy is a match made in heaven and sliding Stefanovic out to left back, where he can't do too much damage, is the way forward. Getting shot of Andy '50 pence piece head' O'Brien was also high on the to do list. Top bombing son.

A jorneyman style midfield full of youth and misfits is working well, and Kanu and Benjani, (and latterly LuLu), have performed admirably up front. How? Kanu used to be shit! What's changed in the off season? I'm fucked if I know. I'm just enjoying the ride while it lasts, which it clearly won't. Pompey innit!

(Silly) Cunt of the week

2006-09-21T14:01:00.000+01:00

During my sabbatical there have been many many cunts worthy of the title. But their time has passed and I must choose only one. Ladies and gentlemen I give you:

Richard Hammond

Now I love 'The Hamster' and am a Top Gear devotee but if you drive a jet car at 300mph, when it's not really your specialist area, you're kind of asking for trouble. Don't get me wrong, I routinely drive at 120mph+ but then nobody doubts that I'm a cunt too.

I sincerely hope the lad recovers but the fact remains that he was a silly cunt for doing it in the first place. Why couldn't it have been that cunt Clarkson!

I'm back!

2006-09-21T13:56:00.000+01:00

Due to, ahem, 'personal issues' this blog has had to take a bit of a back seat recently. When I say take a back seat I obviously mean that I've done absolutely fuck all with it for a couple of months. Not that I'm the only one, (step forward Camel and Miros).

Let's get this fucking show back on the road then. I've got balls the size of watermelons and more spleen to vent than you can wave a large stick at.

Let's fucking have it!

The boy's a bit special

2006-06-26T08:33:00.000+01:00

Paolo Nutini

Can that boy fucking sing or what!

Slow but steady.......

2006-06-15T12:27:00.000+01:00

Where to start?

The teams that have impressed me most thus far have been Spain, Italy and the Czechs. The most disappointing have been Brazil and England, obviously, although I’m one of the few that wasn’t that perturbed by the Paraguay result. You don’t want to be leaving your best form in the group stages, and would ideally look to peaking about two and a half weeks in. A win’s a win and with three points already on the board, qualification should now be straight forward. Also, I’m not at all bothered by having to play Germany or Ecuador in the next round.

I fancy another tight, cagey affair against T & T today and can see us winning 1-0 or 2-0, without being stretched too much.

I also think I’m one of the few who wouldn’t play Rooney in any part of today’s game. The T & T boys are bound to get stuck in and make it very physical, and Rooney, not being one to shirk the physical side of the game, could easily find himself picking up an unnecessary injury. If he’s not fit for the latter stages then we’re definitely fucked. There’s no way we can win it with an unfit Owen and Rodney Trotter up front. Tell me I'm wrong..................

Upset

2006-06-08T16:18:00.000+01:00

This story upset me a bit this week. I’m normally quite hot-headed when it comes to matters such as this, and when I read this I couldn’t believe my eyes.

Can anyone seriously explain what drives people such as this to commit such an abhorrent crime? And the fact that he only got a minimum six year sentence completely amazed me – it’s not that much better that it’s now been amended to eight years. In this case life, without the possibility of parole, is the only sentence fit to pass, or am I missing the point?

Can this animal be rehabilitated?
Should he even be given the chance?

As for the woman – in my book she’s just as guilty and should have gotten the same sentence.

Sometimes I feel ashamed to be a man. Today is one of those days.

Cunt of the week

2006-06-05T11:47:00.000+01:00

Rodney Trot....., oops sorry Peter Crouch.

If an opposition player, (or one of my own for that matter), had the temerity to try a flicked penalty like that against my team, whilst already hammering us, I'd have thought he was rubbing our noses in it and knocked the cunt spark out!

The technical term is 'taking the piss'. You've got a chance to score an international goal and potentially a hat-trick so you gangle up to the spot and chip it over the bar!

(Piss taking) Cunt!

Same shit - different day

2006-05-15T14:17:00.000+01:00

Kudos to Liverpool, players, staff and fans alike, for the way they praised West Ham after the cup final on Saturday. It was certainly the best cup final for many years and may have revived, (just a little), the magic of the FA Cup.

I remember, as a kid, savouring cup final day. Watching the build-up on TV for hours before kick off, and generally feeling like a kid in a sweet shop. Nowadays there's so much footie on TV that a lot of live football has lost it's appeal. Yes I still watch it but that's mainly because there's fuck all else on. I think that Andy Ward got shot of his TV a while back. Brave move - but I make him about right. If I only I had the mental fortitude to do the same. It's gotten so bad lately that I'm even watching Neighbours for fuck's sake!

Help me!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

More football league play-off games this week and of the nine games played so far, home teams have had an horrendous run. 0 wins, 3 draws, 6 losses.

Will the run continue with the remaining three games?

Oh to have been a layer from the off!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Barca are 1.54 to lift the CL trophy on Wednesday, with Arsenal priced at 2.84.

Some would say that 2.84 is a big price for a one-off game with Thierry Henry in imperious form, and, a competition record ten clean sheets in a row,

I'd say that 1.54 Barca is a steal, given how many potential matchwinners they have. Nine of the sixteen were rested for the game against Sevilla on Saturday as well, so they should be raring to go. And as for the clean sheets - does anyone really expect Barca not to score?!

I hope I'm wrong but I can see it being a bit of a mauling. Despite my wallet wanting otherwise, I'll still be pulling for the gooners.

Cunt of the week

2006-05-05T08:47:00.000+01:00

Brian Barwick

'Steve McClaren was always our first choice'

Yeah right!

(Lying) Cunt!

For England and St George

2006-05-03T15:35:00.000+01:00

All this talk of Rooney missing the World Cup, gave rise to a heated debate in the pub the other day.

Why do we overlook in form players when picking the national team?

Case in point - Darren Bent. Now here's a lad that you wouldn't, ordinarily, expect to be an established England player, but given his form this season, how can he not be going if Rooney's place is up for grabs? I admit that he might turn out to be another Michael Ricketts, but for four weeks in the Summer, he could be the man to re-ignite our World Cup bid. His form demands it, surely?

It was the same with Andrew Johnson last season. He got overlooked until he was past his peak of form, and then picked and played out wide for fuck's sake! Ooh I wonder why he wasn't picked again!

Too many players make the England team on reputation alone. And yes, you know which ones I'm talking about.

And another thing while I'm here - how the fuck is John Terry not captain? Whilst I agree that Peter Taylor pulled a masterstroke in appointing Becks captain when he did, the time has long since passed when it should have been given to a true leader. Terry is that man. No-one epitomises the bulldog spirit more than him. Proud to be English and proud to represent his country.

You now it makes sense Rodney.

Fuck my old boots!

2006-05-02T12:28:00.000+01:00

Picture the scene – two short months ago Pompey were eight points from safety, drifting like a dinghy in a storm in 19th place in the Premiership. We couldn’t have scored in a brothel and I doubt that anybody, even in their wildest dreams, really believed that we would get out of it.

Then came the run of 23 points from ten games, playing football worthy of European qualification, creating an average of over 20 chances a game, and winning became a habit that was hard to get out of. A minor blip against Charlton did nothing to harm the confidence and safety was assured with a deserved win at the JJB on Saturday.

And what was the biggest single thing that caused this remarkable turnaround?

Judas Redknapp’s return to his spiritual home?

Gaydamak's millions funding the January signings?

Pedro’s last second winner against Man City?

The subsequent two away wins at West Ham and Fulham?

Lua Lua’s equalizer against Arsenal to keep the unbeaten run going?

To be honest I couldn’t tell you – it’s one of those ineffable things that make you realize how much you love the game. We can’t control it, all we can do is roll with the punches and enjoy the good times while they last.

Happy Days indeed.

PS - I know I said I didn't care if were relegated but I realised, on Saturday, that I actually did ;-)

Look at his face - just look at his face!

2006-05-02T12:12:00.000+01:00

Jimmy White was/is the peoples champion and is the second most naturally talented player, behind Ronnie, ever to pick up a snooker cue. He’s lost six World finals, including five in a row, and was incredibly unlucky to be around at the same time as the greatest player ever – Stephen Hendry. Hendry did for him in four finals, including 1992, when he won ten frames in a row*, and the infamous missed match ball black in 1994.

So how must he feel seeing Graeme Dott become the latest World champion, in what must rank as the most turgid final in history? Dott must be the worst World champion since Joe Johnson, and that’s no mean feat.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if someone found Jimmy swinging from a banister somewhere this morning.

Life’s not fair, but, as my Mum used to say – nor is a black man’s arse!

* probably the most nerveless, ruthless, impressive snooker ever seen.

Cunts of the week

2006-04-28T13:07:00.000+01:00

Tracey Temple didn't last long and is usurped by:

The English sports press

Fucking wankers, all of them.

Here we are on the verge of the FA appointing Phil Scolari as the new England manager and all we get is a tirade of how bad it is that we've had to look outside of England again. Their xenophobia knows no bounds. This guy is proven at the highest level and is more than capable of getting the best out of the English players but he's been got at before he's even got the job.

Ever since I can remember the press have slaughtered EVERY England manager, and been pivotal in the dismissal/resignation of every single one of them. It's almost as if they don't want the England side to do well. They undermine at every turn and doom us to failure with each word of the malicious and jealous bullshit that they peddle.

CUNTS!

I wanted a mission, and for my sins they gave me one

2006-04-28T12:56:00.000+01:00

UEFA cup final or England job?

Steve McClaren would certainly have preferred them both but it looks like he's stuck with the UEFA cup final.

And what a way to do it! 3-0 down on aggregate, and two away goals down to boot, and they still haul themselves out of it with four goals in an hour. The second time in a fortnight can't be a fluke, can it? Of course they'll now go on to lose the final because they've already done all the hard work, but that's life I'm afraid.

I'm kind of split on the England appointment. Part of me says that Big Phil is the right man for the job. He can handle the egos and cerainly has a proven track record at international level. On the other hand McClaren is very shrewd tactically, and English to boot, which would also appease all of the bully boys in the press*. A bigger part of me does doubt whether he can keep all of the big heads in check though.

* see the latest cunts of the week

Cunt of the week

2006-04-26T13:05:00.000+01:00

Tracey Temple

The secretary that had a two year affair with John Prescott.

What the fuck!!

Now whilst I haven't seen any photos of the young lady, she's either a fit good looking sort or else she's a dirty bitch who takes it up the shitter and does everything that his wife won't. He has got to be one of the least attractive men on the planet and he's getting regular trim from a woman 24 years younger! Happy fucking days as far as he's concerned, but she should take a long hard look at herself.

No doubt she'll now sell her story, have her fifteen minutes, make a tidy sum and fuck off back under the stone she crawled out from.

Cunt!

Wanker of the week

2006-04-18T14:21:00.000+01:00

This week's cunt has been downgraded to a wanker because he plays for Pompey, (that is when he hasn't injured himself doing fucking somersaults).

Step forward:

Lomana Lua Lua

In scoring the equaliser against Arsenal, he does his normal eleven somersaults, despite saying he wouldn't do them again in case he injured himself, and promptly turns his ankle. This idiocy rules him out of our next two games in our desperate relegation battle, leaving us horribly exposed up front, brought home by our failure to find the killer second goal against Charlton yesterday.

Wanker!

Cunt of the week

2006-04-11T16:16:00.000+01:00

It may be every week. It may not. It might even be every other day. It all depends on whether I can be arsed. If I don't update then the current cunt retains his trophy until I do.

This week's biggest cunt is:

CRAIG BELLAMY

The short arsed, fiery, Welsh trouble maker, (good player though), cost my boys three points on Saturday. If we get relegated, by two points or less, then he could well make a re-appearance as cunt of the year.

Cunt!

The Mighty Boosh

2006-04-11T14:08:00.000+01:00

I took the missus to see The Mighty Boosh stage show, in Brighton, on Sunday. It was most excellent.

If you haven't seen any of the TV series' , you're missing out.

Different Gravy!

View from the afternoon

2006-04-11T13:35:00.000+01:00

As most people expected, the most exciting thing about the Premiership this year is the relegation scrap. Chelsea have the title in the bag and the irrelevant chase for the 4th CL spot, (only Arsenal would do anything with it anyway), are irrelevant in comparison.

A month or so ago it looked as though the mighty blue army were dead certs to join Sunderland in the Championship, but a run of ten points from twelve has seen us give ourselves a major chance at avoiding the drop. We absolutely battered Blackburn on Saturday. 24 shots to 4 tells it own story, and it was only poor finishing and an inspired Craig Bellamy that got Blackburn a point that they really didn't deserve.

I have to say that I'm enjoying going again. I'd said before that I wouldn't bat an eyelid if we got relegated as i didn't like the way we played football in the Prem. However, Redknapp has got us back to playing an exciting game again. He's still a 'twitchy judas scummer cunt', but fair play to him for bringing back entertainment to Fratton Park. Irrespective of the result on Saturday it was a cracking game to watch, and I had fun for the first time in ages. Happy days indeed.

On other football related matters, I can confirm the following:

Steve McClaren must have sold his soul to get out of their UEFA cup hole in midweek. What a comeback. Great excitement even if it wasn't the greatest football.

Reading are my new second favourite team. I've won a fucking fortune on them this season, (which has gone some way to propping up my losses elsewhere). I'm looking forward to seeing how they cope in the Prem next season.

England will win the World Cup this summer. I've never been so confident of our chances. There's not one team that will relish playing us and I really believe that the only thing that will stop us is an injury to Rooney and/or Gerrard.

Jose Mourinho is a cunt!

Lovely.

Scam Warning.........

2006-02-28T15:41:00.000Z

.........to anyone who shops at Sainsburys.

Upon parking your car you may be approached by two sexy 18 year old Eastern European girls, offering to wash your car. If you accept they wash it with their tits hanging out and wink at you suggestively. When finished all they ask for, as payment, is a lift down the road.

As you drive, they strip off in the back seat and perform hardcore sex acts upon each other. One then climbs in the front, pulls your cock out and sucks you off. Whilst this is happening the other girl steals your wallet!

I had mine stolen on Saturday, Sunday, twice on Monday and again today. Be careful!

Still Smiling

2006-02-02T08:04:00.000Z

Went to Fratton Park last night, expecting the usual horror show.

What I witnessed was a debut from a truly remarkable player:

Andres D'Alessandro

This lad is class. Everything he did was quality. I honestly believe that he could be the greatest player ever to pull on the hallowed blue jersey. I can't believe that I'm saying that after only one game, but he really was that good. Given that it was his first game in England, he's not match fit and doesn't speak any English, he can only get better. If he does, it's gonna be scary.

Paying £600 for a season ticket suddenly doesn't annoy me anymore. If I can watch this boy play every week I'll be a happy man. Granted, he's probably come too late to save us from relegation, but bollocks - He got me out of seat in anticipation. Every time he got the ball it looked as though he could conjure something magical. And man could he deliver a dead ball.

The best debut from a Pompey player that I can remember. Fingers crossed that I haven't given him the kiss of death!

Birmingham City 5 - 0 Shower of Shit

2006-01-21T22:42:00.000Z

Some weeks I look in the mirror and ask myself why I fucking bother!

Pompski? Not for me thanks

2006-01-05T12:20:00.000Z

So we now have our own wealthy Russian on board at my beloved PFC.

Interesting.

Does this mean that we'll now be paying over the odds for (hopefully) decent players in a bid to get away from relegation trouble and then maybe push on toward European football? I honestly don't know, but I do know that I won't be happy if we start buying our way toward success.

My view is that Abramovic has all but killed the Premiership. Chelsea have such a domestic stranglehold that a once eagerly anticipated Arsenal/Man U clash is relegated to being just another Premiership fixture. Even the managers have admitted as much.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Supporting Pompey is all about the experience of going to our shithole of a ground and hearing the diehards sing for ninety minutes in support of their heroes that wear the beloved blue shirt.

Bill Shankly had it right - 'Football - a matter of life and death? Don't be ridiculous it's far more important than that'.

I view football supporters as tribal warriors. Steadfast in the defence of their local team and all that it stands for, and that is in very real danger of disappearing for, not just mine, but a lot of other top flight clubs. The Premiership experience softens you up as fans and an injection of cash and the success that is expected to come with it will only make it worse for Pompey. Granted we may actually win something, but at what cost? A pyrrhic victory if ever there was one.

I'm probably in the minority but fuck it. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

No - he can't be bothered!

2005-12-28T23:34:00.000Z

Harry Kewell that is.

This kid had so much talent and he seems to have wasted it.

Why?

Money?
Marriage?
Kids?

I've no fucking idea, but I can say, with some certainty, that he doesn't give a toss. He's always injured - how much is genuine is anyone's guess - and when he does play he just seems to stroll about the park adding nothing of any great substance.

I remember being genuinely excited about the lad a few years ago, thinking that he could go on to truly great things. (And no, winning a Champions League winners medal doesn't count, seeing as he was miraculously fit enough to only play in the final.) Alas, he just can't do it anymore. The thing is he's Australian and these guys are meant to be born convicts, oops winners, aren't they? Maybe he's been an 'honorary pom' for too long and that's the reason he's gone shit?

Either way Rafa Benitez obviously sees more in him than I do and who can doubt that man's talent and judgement? Certainly not me. Any manager that can win the Champions League with Djimi Traore as a regular starter deserves high praise indeed. I can't wait to see the look on the rest of the Premiership's faces if they win it again!!

The Staff Christmas Party

2005-12-16T16:13:00.000Z

Off to the office Christmas party this evening.

It's always an interesting affair, more so now that I'm the boss and can pretty much do whatever the fuck I like.

I've just rung Sporting Index and have received the following quotes:

Most beers imbibed - 16-18 - I wouldn't want to be a seller with Justin in the field. It could pay to go long as he can have it large if he feels like it. The only problem is that, in the morning, he won't remember how much he drank. Buy.

M/U - 24 - The boy came good. Drank like a fish all night long and still found the beer scooter home. Top bombing son.

Most individual slaps received (from females) - 6-7 - DP (aka Sid the Sexist) is sure to win this on the bridle and again a buy may lose small but could potentially pay BIG. He's a right cunt when he gets going.

M/U - 5 - Surprisingly the winner here was me. I got slapped three times big Chrissy and twice by random sluts who I danced into by accident.

Quickest orgasm (seconds) - 90-105 - Jimmy the Porn is usually the man for this. Knee tremblers ahoy in the khazi with any old slapper is usually the form and seeing as he's the most 'efficient' lover in Pompey, a sell at 90 looks the order of the day.

M/U - 88 - Jimbo says he went three minutes. The girl he fucked said it was more like three seconds. We spilt the difference.

Most cocks (by one bird, or indeed man for that matter) - 3-3.5 Big Chrissy holds the records with six, but she has been unwell of late and is unlikely to trouble the scorer this evening. Nicky J would have been a likely boot filler but has cried off with 'women's trouble'. Selling looks the way forward but you're always susceptible to the 'store room train', whereby some pissed up young bint has taken on a couple of male friends in the dark confines of the store room and has ended up being gangbanged by a rampaging hoard as word spreads around the hall of the free minge available. Be careful on this one.

M/U - 27 - An educated guess on this one. The store room train did indeed occur. The number of gentlemen partaking was unknown but at one stage the young lady concerned had to call in re-inforcements.

Punch ups in the cab queue - 9-11 - this market is wide open. Could be none. Could be hundreds.
M/U - 1 - Just me and some twat with twelve hundred piercings in his face. Not to mention my fist when he tried to steal my sherbert. Cunt.

Drink drive convictions - 0.5-1 - Jimmy the Porn is already banned after last year's 'adventurous' drive home, in which he steamrollered into the rocks opposite Eastney beach and fled the scene of the accident. Not a market to get involved in for me.

M/U - o - Jimmy did drive home pissed again but as he's already banned it wouldn't have counted even if he'd been caught.

Men from the Firemans table actually doing the 'Full Monty' - 1-1.5 - Last year none of the buggers had the bottle, despite the incessant baying from the masses of drunken sluts imploring them to do so. This year we've had the promise of cocks being shown when they take the stage, don their Tom Jones wigs and dance to 'You Can leave Your Hat On'. Time will tell. A safe sell for me.

M/U - 0 - The bastards didn't even get up and try it. The girls were gutted.

'Arry Redknapp's blue and white army - 6-7 - With Kingsley the DJ being a Pompey season ticket holder he always gets the crowd chanting. Will the return of Judas get the boys in full voice or will Kingsley's encouragment fall on deaf ears? Again a safe sell for me, especially as there's minus ten for each chant of Judas or cunt, whenever the Judas cunt's name is mentioned.

M/U - 0 - Kingsley hates the cunt as well, so there was no chance of him starting any Judas chants.

The Franko special - 19-21 - how many times he flat out asks a woman to suck his cock. Bonus of 5 on offer for every time one of them says yes. Bonus of 10 if he takes her up on the offer. Minus 10 if he bottles it. Bonus of 50 if he cums in her mouth. BUY BUY BUY.

M/U - 398 - He asked every woman in the room twice and two said yes. One bottled it when he got his cock out and one got a messy load all over her hair from his porridge gun. Top bombing.

You twitchy judas cunt!

2005-12-05T13:26:00.000Z

My club has descended into farce.

The most hated man in Portsmouth is about to make an incredible return, having walked out on scummers at the weekend.

Seriously, you couldn't make it up!

This lying sack of shit walked out on us a year ago. He promised the fans that there was, 'no way I'll be going down the road to that lot', and then promptly takes charge two weeks later. He bad mouths the club and it's facilities and says how happy is is to have joined a 'real club'. He gets them relegated :-) The enmity may be hard for some to gauge but most Pompey fans have a chip on their shoulder the size of the Isle of Wight. Going to scummers was so wrong. He couldn't have hurt us more if he'd wanted to.

We then sack our 185th manager in the last two years and the job is up for grabs. Warnock gets as short as 1.2 on Betfair before turning it down. Nice for the layers. Milan conducts all of his thought processes live on Talksport and refuses to rule out Judas for a return to the club and fans that he so publicly shit on. Twitchy is spouting in the press this past weekend about what a 'monumental mistake' he made in leaving and how he's 'always loved this club'.

The man has no morals. He is a self-serving cunt. We don't want him back and if he had half a brain in his twitchy fucking head he would fuck off and stay fucked off.

Cunt!

Shoot the cunt!

2005-11-25T16:23:00.000Z

So Gary Glitter is back in the dock accused of all sorts of nasties involving young children.

'I was just teaching them English' he protests.

Cunt! Pull the other one, it's got your badly coiffered syrup on it.

WHEN found guilty he could be put to death by firing squad. Now that's a punishment. Let's just hope that his last request is not to let Peter Crouch take the shot.

In all seriousness though, you should just stick the bastard in a room full of Dads for an hour. We'll show him what it feels like to be violated and I can guarantee that he won't be able to do it again. I'd rip him to fucking pieces and suffocate him with his own cock. He is vermin and doesn't deserve the right to life.

Do you wanna be in my gang? Not fucking likely. (Hopefully soon to be dead) Cunt!

George Best

2005-11-25T16:12:00.000Z

So the great man has finally popped his clogs.

The self righteous brigade spouting about wasting a liver can all fuck off!

The man has died. Now is not the time to come across as some smug cunt. He brought pleasure to millions. He lived as the ultimate hedonist. He shagged more beautiful women than you can wave a large stick at. He was a shanter extraordinaire. He died potless. Fair fucking play to the man. He was a living legend and there's not many that have been able to say that.

No doubt we'll get a minute's silence at football stadia across the country tomorrow. Bollocks to that. What we should give him is a minute of rapturous applause. The way he would have like it.

The Guv'nor.

Who.........

2005-10-27T16:31:00.000+01:00

..........is the funniest man that ever lived?

I'll save you the arguments.

Bill Hicks that’s who.

He died too young, but that only goes to increase his legend all the more. For those that have had no exposure to the man, I can only urge you to watch and listen to what you can, (there’s plenty out there.) He was so much more than a comedian. He was, quite simply, the best.

The Dog's Bollocks

2005-10-19T15:22:00.000+01:00

Just back from Vegas having spent a relaxing week in The Venetian. What a fantastic hotel. The missus loved it, so that’s double brownie points for me and she even forgave me staggering in drunk at six in the morning the day before we left. Happy days.

A couple of observations:

You have to do your absolute bollocks to get comped for anything in The Venetian. I did about $4k on table games and they graciously comped me my refreshment bill for the room (all of $200). Thanks for that!!

The Mirage are now offering ten runner sit and go’s. $100 buy in – 15% juice!!! – 1000 chips - 15 minute levels. Crapshoot city. That said the standard of play was poor and even I managed to eke out a few quid. (Mind you what a fucking nightmare it is to get your paid if you’re non-US.) It was either that or the terminal boredom of the limit ring game. I’d rather stab my eyeballs with a fork.

I got heads up with one guy. We had about 5000 chips apiece and the blinds were at 200/400. Not a ton of play to be had but the guy was so passive that I just ran him over. He then had the temerity to moan when I called his all-in move with A7 for only 1100 chips when I had Q10 and outdrew him. Deal with it son. Here’s 10p, phone someone who gives a fuck.

I also got it all in pre-flop with AK against JJ and spiked the inevitable ‘pokerstars ace’ © TM, on the river. Fuck me did he moan. ‘You lucky bastard.’ ‘What a bad beat.’ Lobbing cards around etc. He called me out in front of the rest of the table and said how lucky I was and that he’d love to play me heads-up cash. Not being one to disappoint, I offered him a game, which he then declined. ‘Taxi for Hellmuth’ I called, to a few chuckles from the remaining players. What a jopke!

Then we had the Guv’nor. This guy hardly said a word the whole game. When he raised he put on his oversize wraparound shades, folded his arms, and sat there impassively. He pondered for ages numerous times, (three minutes once), on a fifteen minute clock. And he was rubbish! He was, without doubt, a tosspot. The WPT has a lot to answer for.

Mind you not all of our American cousins were wankers. The vast majority were very pleasant and actually seemed to enjoy playing with an Australian!!! What the fuck is it with my accent that they can’t tell where I’m from. Jeez – how much more un-Australian can I sound for fuck’s sake?

And now I’m back. It’s raining and it’s cold. And the Pokerstars sit n go’s beckon. Oh go on then.

Weekend bets

2005-09-30T12:19:00.000+01:00

Lots of draws this week. But we only need a couple to oblige to come up smiling. I've had some e-mails asking about tips in the lower English and Scottish leagues. Sorry folks - no dice. This is my living - I can't go giving you my wages now, can I :-)

Back the draw - Charlton v Tottenham @ 3.30

I can't really split these two. Charlton are having their usual good start and Spurs look good in fits and starts. It's a London derby. This should be a close contest and it's good enough for me to plough in on the draw.

--------------------------------------------

Lay Man Utd - away to Fulham @ 1.75

I really don't like odds on away teams. Man utd are not exactly setting the World alight and are struggling to find the net with any consistency this term. Whilst someone will get a hammering eventually I'm willing to take them on against a very unpredictable Fulham side, with a couple of genuine matchwinners in Malbranque and Boa Morte.

--------------------------------------------

Back Newcastle - away to Pompey @ 2.60

No Lua Lua. No Robert. Doesn't look good for my boys :-(

I don't often bet in matches involving my team but I have to get involved this weekend. Newcastle have had their usual sluggish start but seem to have turned the corner. With Michael Owen looking sharper every game, Newcastle could well batter us on Saturday. Pompey are fragile at present and Reggie, no matter what he and Milan might say, is under pressure. We're struggling for goals and Fratton Park is not the intimidating place it used to be. I hope I'm wrong, but I can't see us getting anything out of this.

--------------------------------------------

Back the draw - Sunderland v West Ham @ 3.35
Back 2-2 correct score @ 20

Not a lot to say about this. Sunderland will feel they need to win it. West Ham are still playing good football. This has a draw written all over it. I can't see either team keeping a clean sheet either.

--------------------------------------------

Back the draw - Liverpool v Chelsea @ 3.20
Back 0-0 @ 7.80

I picked the same midweek. Why change it?

--------------------------------------------

Back the draw - Wigan v Bolton @ 3.30

Wigan are playing better than expected. Bolton played a midweek UEFA cup tie. I can't pick a winner here.

Bet of the Day

2005-09-28T16:36:00.000+01:00

Back the draw - Liverpool v Chelsea @ 2.2/1 with ukbetting

I can't split them. Can you?

0-0 looks good but is a little skinny at 6/1.

Weekend bets

2005-09-23T16:12:00.000+01:00

Hearts at home to Rangers this weekend. Currently trading at 3.2 on Betfair.

Hearts - top of the league - seven wins from seven. Rangers - struggling for form - languishing eight points behind their opponents.

Maybe I'm wrong, (I often am), but how can Rangers be 2.5, away from home, against THE team in form?

Alternatively you could lay Rangers and have the draw on your side.

------------------------------------------------------

Lay Liverpool, away to Birmingham, at 2.22

For Liverpool to win away from home they have to score. They've done that once in the Premiership this season. Granted Birmingham are shit and have lost all three home games this term but Liverpool are too short at the current price.

------------------------------------------------------

Lay Man Utd, at home to Blackburn, at 1.33
Back 0-0, correct score, at 14

Blackburn are a horrible side. Absolutely fucking horrible. Teams that can actually play football must hate playing them. Man U will get little time on the ball. The game will be hard. It won't be pretty. Mark Hughes won't care about that. 0-0 will do him just fine. And you never know - in Morten Gamst Pedersen they have an absolute jewel. A matchwinner. He shines like a star in that shitbox of a team.

Man U are not exactly full of goals and I fully expect them to find this hard going. It finished 0-0 last season. Same again? Let's hope so.

------------------------------------------------------

Lay Arsenal, away to West Ham, at 1.87
Back any unquoted, correct score, at 12 (if you can get it)

I don't like odds-on away teams. Arsenal are still the best footballing side in the league but West Ham!!!! are threatening to take that title away from them. Who'd have thunk it 'eh?

I can see goals in this one. Lots of 'em.

Txt spk me up m8 (cunts!)

2005-09-23T14:19:00.000+01:00

A few of my friends insist on texting in the 'shorthand' fashion of the day. Fuck me it's annoying! I have to give the phone to my daughter to translate. Fuckers! Speak English - you're all grown fucking men for God's sake! Can you not afford the extra 12p if the original message gets too long!!

N-e-way ere's sum films wot i av seen l8ly dat woz gr8:

Man Bites Dog
Naked (a Mike Leigh joint) (did you see what I did there? ;-) I'm quality me)
The Idiots
Breaking the Waves (still umming and ahhing on this one, but I think I liked it)
Sixteen Years of Alcohol

I'm always up for watching a decent film, so feel free to post a few that might interest me, preferably in text shorthand so that I get wound right the fuck up.

Lovely.

You tight cunt!

2005-09-22T17:03:00.000+01:00

Whilst in Hammersmith earlier this week, I was accosted by a street person, while I was paying my dues at a parking meter.

The exchange went something like this:

‘Can you spare some cash please mate?’

‘Sorry bud but I haven’t got any cash.’

‘Yes you have. You’re using it.’

‘It’s for the meter mate. Like I said I’ve got nothing spare. Sorry.’

‘You fucking cunt! Tight arsed southern cunt! (He was Scottish). I hope you get cancer and fucking rot! Cunt!’

What the fuck did he expect me to say to that? ‘Oh yeah you’re right mate. I am a cunt. Here’s a tenner. Have a few tins of Export on me.’

Yes I know it’s like the Bill Hicks sketch, but this did actually happen. If I wasn’t so scared at the time I’d have laughed. I half expected him to pull a knife and hold me up, earning himself ten bob in the process.

And why do all homeless people seem to have dogs? That’s always got me. Do they get more benefit for each pet or something? This bloke had a particularly gnarly mongrel that didn't like me much either.

Nice.

I'll get my coat

2005-09-20T12:31:00.000+01:00

Got this by e-mail today and it still makes me laugh. Yes I know it’s old but there’s no original jokes left anymore, so bollocks!

Pompey draw Scummers in the FA Cup. Being a fierce local derby, the police decide to move the proposed kick off time to Sunday at noon.

Bollocks say the lads, We had a team day out planned. We’re gonna have to cancel it now. Fuck!

No worries says Lua Lua. I’ll play them on my own. You lot go out for a knees-up and a shant and then I’ll meet up with you after I’ve beaten them. Happy Days.

The lads and manager all agree. It’s only Scummers after all, and LuLu should be able to take care of them on his jack jones. No fucking worries.

The day of the game comes and the lads are in the pub having a few bevies. They’ve got the teletext on and then it pops up:

Portsmouth 1 0 Scummers
Lua Lua 1

The lads smile and continue shanting. The end of the game draws near and then up pops an update:

Portsmouth 1 FT 1 Scummers
Lua Lua 1 90 Prutton

The lads are a bit bewildered. Half an hour later, Lulu strolls in to the bar looking creastfallen.

What happened? asks Reggie. It all seemed to be going so well.

Sorry lads, says LuLu, but I got sent off for my goal celebration!

Buff my pylon

2005-09-20T12:08:00.000+01:00

I had the misfortune to stumble across 'Poker Night Live' on one of the, (far too numerous), poker channels last night.

I've never seen anything quite like it!

Do people actually sit and watch internet play with commentary by, what I can only describe as, complete lunatics? Fucking hell! What is the World coming to? I appreciate that it's aimed at the novice, but the standard of play is pretty horrible, and the commentary is only marginally better.

This 'poker boom' has a lot to answer for. Quite literally billions of new, (somewhat deluded), players flooding into your local game every day. I mean, I'm rubbish but even I'm managing to eke out a profit these days. Surely that can't be right. Can it? I don't feel right unless I'm donating a few shekels to the grinders. Still, at least I always give it back on Betfair.

Happy Days.

Steve Bruce? - Steve Cunt more like!

2005-09-19T08:36:00.000+01:00

So ‘old flat nose’ defends the sending off of Nicky Butt.

Dario Silva puts an arm out to obstruct him. Doesn’t catch him in the face or anything sinister, (how could he, he’s only 4’7” for fuck's sake.)

Nicky Butt volleys him, from behind, right in the crease! Fair play to Dario that he didn’t hit the deck in agony, like many foreigners would have done.

How the fuck can you defend that Steve? Prick!

I’m not ranting just because we failed to win, although we did batter them, it’s just that Butt’s actions were indefendable. If Silva had been working it into him all game or given him a sly dig, I could understand it, but all he did was jostle him ever so slightly. Which ginger bollocks takes as his cue to try and stick his foot up the blokes arse.

Cunt!

Reggie Perrin's red and gold army

2005-09-14T13:19:00.000+01:00

So Reggie does the business and Pompey win their first away game since God was a boy. Happy days!

I was at the Oval and didn’t see the match live but I did get the 45 minutes on football first and I have to say that we played pretty fucking well. Some of the passing looked Brazilian at times, and Everton struggled to cope with the pace and movement posed by out counter attacking.

The futures bright. The future’s red and gold. (But please sort those fucking socks out!)

There is no justice

2005-09-14T13:14:00.000+01:00

Now that the Ashes are over I’d like a bit of a rant.

Shane Warne should have won man of the series

Without him there wouldn’t have been a series at all. 40 wickets and 250 runs. 40 fucking wickets for Christ’s sake. I can’t ever remember a man taking 40 wickets in a test series, (although I imagine Murali’s probably done it). Warne single handedly kept the convicts in it. Without him it would have been 4-1 and an absolute walkover for England. The man is an absolute legend.

When the crowd sang ‘We wish you were English’ to him, his smile said it all. He is appreciated the World over as the truly fabulous cricketer that he is. His never say die attitude, that used to epitomise most Aussies, and his superb cricketing brain will be sorely missed when he packs in test cricket. And when he does, the Aussies will be in very real danger of becoming just an average team.

The man is a legend, and although I don’t want to detract from Freddie, who had a great series too, the award should have gone to the fat boy, text pest. He was quite simply awesome.

In the words of Adam Gilchrist:

‘Bowling Warne-a’

Shane Warne - a homage

2005-09-11T00:02:00.000+01:00

Just how good a cricketer is Shane Warne?

Very fucking good. The best I’ve ever seen in fact.

Without him the Ashes series would have been a complete walkover for England. As it stands at the moment, England are a shade of odds-on, to get the draw they need, after Warne, yet again, worked his magic with five wickets on a batsmens paradise of a strip at the Oval.

Enjoy him while you can because we’ll miss him when he’s gone. It may be some time before we see his like again.

Different Class!

Anyone for a raindance?

2005-09-08T09:20:00.000+01:00

Off to the Oval this evening. Happy Days.

I have tickets for Friday and Saturday and, if needs be, I’ll be getting in on Sunday too. It’s easy. All you need is bollocks. I’ve already made it in to Old Trafford and Trent Bridge this summer for a couple of extra days play.

Old Trafford was easy. Just slip the security on the door a few quid and in you go son. Trent Bridge was a little harder and saw me resorting to acting like a tout. ‘Buy or sell tickets. I’ll buy any spares’, went my war cry. Touts were selling them at £200 a pop and I got my grubby little mitts on two for £110. Thank you very much.

Any road up. It’s now all about the cricket. Personally I couldn’t give a fuck if it rains solidly for five days. I’ll be getting pissed anyway and as long as I can celebrate sending the convicts home empty handed, that’ll do for me. The World is quite literally our lobster, just five more days to get through and then it’s happy days all round.

Fingers crossed.

Green and white army!

2005-09-08T09:00:00.000+01:00

What the fuck is going on? England lose 1-0 to the might of Northern Ireland, population circa one million. This is one of the reasons that football is so great. When you think that it’s just a walk in the park, some dog runs up from behind and bites you in the arse!

Sven won’t quit though. Why should he? IMO Sven isn’t actually the problem. It’s the players. Too many of them think they have a divine right to be picked and just don’t put the effort in, although you can bet your last shekel that they’ll do it IF they get the finals next year. You see Sven is a lucky manager. Last night is the only time he’s lost a qualifier and in all honesty we’ll probably still end up squeezing by and getting to Germany, before going down in a hard fought quarter final with the Argies.

Hats off to the NI support. They sang their hearts out for the full 90 minutes and fully deserved their night of glory.

Hats off also to Lawrie Sanchez. No gloating, just a quiet word to congratulate the players and the fans. Some Premiership managers could do worse than take a leaf out of his book.

Top bombing.

Negreanu - an opinion

2005-09-07T13:33:00.000+01:00

What is it about this guy that everybody seems to love so much?

As far as I can tell, he seems to be a bit of egomaniac, obsessed with money and how much of it he has. He’s always posting on his site about how much he has won/lost doing this/that. How he played blind, for a laugh, in a no limit hold ‘em cash game because the blinds were only $10/$20 or something similar. He regales us with tales of his heads up challenges and what vast sums (of other people’s money?) he’s playing for, and how he rates himself the best player around etc etc.

Step outside and take a look at yourself man. Yes you may be a good player. Yes you may be successful and rich. Yes, you may have the entire poker community falling at your feet, but please……..

…..get it quietly.

Breaking news........(I hate the French)

2005-09-06T15:05:00.000+01:00

Reuters: Tuesday 6th September, 2005; 14.25 Paris, France

Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time.

Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France. The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap which have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years.

Armstrong's girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying "we use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be ok throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also found several other interesting items that they have never seen before, including a backbone.

(Another) Ashes update

2005-09-06T12:12:00.000+01:00

England have now hit the dizzy heights of 4.3 on Betfair.

As mentioned yesterday, it seems to be the Asian markets that have caused the further drift. Regardless, you’ve got to get on. I’ve gone in (yet) again and hopefully my bravery/idiocy will be rewarded with some nice hedging possibilities as the test progresses.

Quote of the week

2005-09-06T12:07:00.000+01:00

Apologies for the lateness but I’ve only just seen this.

Dave Ulliott talking about Gus Hansen’s ‘questionable’ play in the Poker Million.

‘I’d swim across shark infested waters, with a pork chop around my neck, to play with this guy.’

The Guv’nor!

Fucking ridiculous!

2005-09-05T15:48:00.000+01:00

Update

The price about England is now trading at 4.0 on Betfair!

I’ve gone in again. This price is just plain ridiculous. Although there is a school of thought that it may drift even further once the Asian money starts to hit the market. Apparently it’s trading at 4.35 on the sub-continent. Fuck me! If it drifts anymore I’ll be forced to sell the wife and plunge in again, (well that extra tenner may come in handy.)

England are, without doubt, the best side in World cricket at this present time, and have outplayed the Aussies for the majority of this series. Can someone offer an explanation as to why the convicts are the favourites in this contest?

I’m fucked if I know!

Happy Days!

2005-09-03T23:45:00.000+01:00

Here I am, Saturday night, giving it a spin on Pokerstars. I know how to live ‘eh?

Got the Ipod on shuffle and I’ve had six crackers in a row:

Alice in Chains – Nutshell
The Killers – Mr Brightside
Kings of Leon – Day Old Blues
Soundgarden – Jesus Christ Pose
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps
Foo Fighters – Everlong

You could do worse than own ALL of these.

Proclamation paid for this year’s Vegas trip. I’ve got a stack of chips the size of Brazil. Hampshire won the C & G trophy. England squeaked by the Welsh 1-0, and my brother gave me a few more DVD’s to sate my pecadillos.

Life is good.

I hope you all listened

2005-09-03T17:30:00.000+01:00

Proclamation ran as I had hoped. A good turn of foot it has. A sprinter, however, it is not.

Happy days.

Have you forgotten how good they taste?

2005-09-02T18:00:00.000+01:00

I had a Kellogs Corn Flake moment today. I had to re-buy a few old CD’s, (the old ones are knackered), and popped one of them, ‘Ritual de lo Habitual’, on in the car on the way back.

Jane’s Addiction – ‘Three Days’. Su-fucking-perb! It was like being twenty one all over again.

Happy Days indeed!

Hardest game in the World

2005-09-02T16:17:00.000+01:00

I'm sat here reminiscing about about my early days playing poker.

Back in the day, just before the boom, and when I was still learning, I had my best results. I knew no fear you see. I thought the World of hands like AJ and pocket fours and thought nothing of banging it 'all yin'. Often times I wouldn't get called, or, even if I did, the 50/50's seemed to go my way. On the occasions that it didn't, I'd invariably have such a large stack, through my fearless, aggressive style, that it wouldn't be fatal anyway. I won a big'ish comp and started to think that I was the bollocks.

Twat!

And so I 'progressed'. I read some books. I listened to some older, wiser heads. And it all started to go wrong. I missed my draws, lost the 50/50's and I started to fear the all-in coups and nasty river cards. I played at limits way too high, against far superior players. I became fully aware of how truly nasty the game, (and it's characters - although that's a whole 'nother story), could be. I started to piss my bankroll away and my fear brought with it a complete, unconscious, change in style. I never had a mountain of chips anymore. I seemingly always left the table shaking my head at some piece of misfortune or other. I had officially 'gone shit'.

So I did the only thing that I could do, given the situation. I chased, trying to find the elusive form and skill that I once possessed. But it never came. Then one day it hit me - I was never actually that good in the first place! Ouch that hurt, but it was, and still is, undeniably true. The best thing I did was actually take my head out of my arse long enough to realise it.

Andy Ward once wrote: 'The game will get them in the end', or words to that effect. How fucking spot on was that?!

Ricky - can I have a quick word please mate?

2005-09-02T13:50:00.000+01:00

I see the Australians are STILL fucking moaning about England’s use of substitute fielders, and how it’s not in the spirit of the game.

Boo-fucking-hoo! I have a message for Ricky and his mish-mash of convict team mates.

Got it? Right! Now put your dummies back in, your toys back in the pram, and behave like good children.

Whingeing cunts!

What the fuck are you moaning about?!

2005-09-02T13:33:00.000+01:00

I have a friend. (Honest)

He’s 53 years old.

He doesn’t smoke.

He doesn’t and never has taken drugs.

He cycles or walks everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

He swims five times a week.

He has had the same stress-free job for thirty years.

Overall he lives a pretty healthy life.

His only vice is that he likes a pint or two, most evenings, in the company of his friends.

He is one of the most genuinely nice guys I’ve ever met in my life.

He’s just been told that he has inoperable bowel cancer and will be dead by Christmas.

And there’s me moaning about being a Pompey fan.

Go figure.

Easy money

2005-09-02T13:21:00.000+01:00

Proclamation runs in the William Hill Sprint Cup at Haydock on Saturday.

Now whilst there’s no doubt that this is a quality beast and has a fairly quick turn of foot, he’s never run over six furlongs before. Will he like the shorter trip? Nobody knows for sure, but considering that he was touted as a derby horse, not too long before he blew up in the Dante, it’s a tough question.

It’s kind of like asking whether Seb Coe, alright then, Peter Elliott, would have been any good over 200 metres? Get my point?

Anyway, I’m laying him in the place market at 1.75 or thereabouts. I’m also going to take him on in the win market at somewhere around 2.9-3.1. I’ll leave it until tomorrow though as I’m pretty sure that he’ll shorten once all the mug money, (namely mine), comes in.

You can thank me later.

Oh woe is me!

2005-09-02T13:04:00.000+01:00

Supporting Pompey gets more like a bad soap opera every day.

The best manager we’ve ever had joins our bitter rivals, purely as a fuck you to our chairman.

We make a guy the manager who has previously come out publicly saying that he doesn’t want the job. (Costing me thousands, as I had laid the fucker ‘til the cows came home, on Betfair!)

We find out we’ve only loaned players that we thought we had signed.

We get told lies by the board on a regular basis.

We sell our best players and, mostly, replace them with foreigners of unproven quality.

We get promised a new stadium that never comes.

It’s all summed up very nicely here

And despite all this, the majority of us still trudge along to the ‘home of football’ to support the lads. It’s in the blood you see. You moan. You cry. Sometimes you even consider suicide but it’s all worth it for that moment when the back of the opposition net bulges and you get to hug all those around you in joyous abandon. You see, us fans are the only loyal thing left in football. Have been for some time if the truth be told.

And what’s my point? I haven’t fucking got one. I just fancied a rant.

Bite me!

A fucking speedboat!!!

2005-09-02T09:27:00.000+01:00

Playing snooker last evening when the conversation, as it does, turned to Bullseye.

Now whilst there’s no doubt that the program was ahead of it’s time and is, (and always will be), classic television, many, (although not me), would argue that it had one major flaw.

The grand prize, always seemed to be a speedboat. There’s the happy couple, overjoyed at having nailed the 101 in six darts, (normally because the non-dart player nailed 80+), hugging each other and rapturously kissing Jim Bowen. Then the prize is revealed. Jaws drop and puzzled looks abound. You see our heroes live 100 miles from the sea, so that speedboat will look fucking immense parked on the street outside the house.

On the other hand, our heroes have just missed the six dart 101 and are in bits. This was their chance of the big time but they’ve just fucked it. (Normally because the dart player was shite). Up steps Jim Bowen, arms placed gently on their shoulders, to console them.

‘Ooh you’ve shit out there lads. Let’s have a look at what you could’ve won’.

The stage revolves to reveal £1million in cash, a private jet or a gated mansion in Surrey.

Quality!

How big are your balls?

2005-09-02T09:06:00.000+01:00

Barny Boatman posted an interesting thread on the Hendon Mob forum yesterday.

One flip of a coin - asking how much of your tank you’d be willing to risk, getting laid 2-1, about a certain even money shot, in a one-off coup.

Well – how much would you risk?

Big fat hairy bollocks!

2005-09-01T15:57:00.000+01:00

I've just done mine!

I hate being bored in the afternoon. It invariably means that I'll wonder on to betfair and have 'a little interest' in the afternoon's racing. The delights of Salisbury, Redcar and Carlisle were/are on offer this afternoon, and, being the cock that I am, I got in a hole and decided to have a bit of a chase. Still, it's only 4 o'clock and I've got a dead cert in the next.

Fucking beautiful!

What the fuck!

2005-09-01T09:59:00.000+01:00

Played a little poker yesterday evening and witnessed some strange goings on.

It's a $200 sit n' go on Stars and there's LOTS of re-raising and re-re-rasing early doors. Something you don't normally see at this level. It's populated by mainly solid players with a smattering of Negreanu/Hansen types who invariably do their bollocks. Anyway - lots of action and I'm thinking how I'm gonna play this. I have a strategy for the sit n go's which has served me well over the years but I don't think that it's going to work here.

The next inkling of strange things afoot is when one player shows pocket aces back to back. This is followed by numerous high pocket pairs being shown each hand. We then get to the stage of having three hands in a row where there are four, count 'em, four pocket pairs dealt each hand!

The madness continues. Pocket pairs abound and aces are seen on no fewer than seven more occasions. The table is commenting on the general craziness, when we are advised that a server re-boot will take place. General mutterings of the site being corrupted are mentioned, mainly due to what we're witnessing. No worries the re-boot will sort it, we say.

Will it bollocks! the guy who had aces back to back, picks them up again twice in three hands, each time taking them up against lower pairs. Happy days.

Anyway - the table finishes and Mr Aces wins, with aces again as it goes. As we're doffing the proverbial caps with 'gg', 'wp' etc etc Mr Aces makes a comment that all of his hands stood up. I think about it, and realise that so did mine. Mr Third Place concurs. In fact none of us can recall an outdraw in the whole game. No bad beats! On Pokerstars! Fuck me! Now I've seen it all!

Nap of the day

2005-08-29T20:08:00.000+01:00

Just having a nose about on Betfair and I see that the price on England for the 5th test at the Oval is trading at 3.7

This seems way too big to me.

Both sides are quick scoring and look to win tests in ten sessions, to take account of weather fluctuations. Granted England don't need to win, but it's not in their style to play defensively and to do so could possibly be their undoing. Australia need to go all out to win and will do eveything in their power to ensure that the Ashes are retained. Weather permitting, the Aussies will do their upmost to force a result, and will not care care one jot if they lose, as long as they give themselves at least a chance of the win that they need.

A few sessions aside, Australia have been totally outplayed in each of the last three tests and it is only thanks to some stellar performances from the old heads that they have anything to show from the series at all. With MacGrath looking likely to miss the match, I see nothing to suggest that the outcome here will be any different than it was at Trent Bridge and Edgbaston.

3.7 is a BIG price about the best team in World cricket at this present time.

Lump on!

******
Update
******

England now trading at 3.9. This is presumably a reaction to the news that MacGrath will probably play. Sure, he may play, but will he last the five days? He hasn’t been in the best of health on the tour and so I question whether he’ll be properly fit.

I’ve had to go in again at this price and I’m confident that at the very worst they’ll be some nice hedging opportunities as the match progresses.

Ask him ref - ask him

2005-08-29T19:55:00.000+01:00

There we were at the cricket, reminiscing about the old Saturday afternoon wrestling on World of Sport. Those were the days. None of this WWE bollocks you get these days. You don't know you're born, when I were a lad etc etc.

Big Daddy
Giant Haystacks
Johnny Kwango
Kendo Nagasaki
Mick McManus
Mark 'Rollerball' Rocco
'Tarzan' Johnny Wilson
Dalibar Singh
to name but a few

The Guvnor's!

Nuff said.

Monty - You terrible cunt!

2005-08-29T19:41:00.000+01:00

For those that haven't yet seen the masterpiece that is Withnail and I - Watch it. You know it makes sense Rodney.

Fuck the Premiership?!

2005-08-29T16:43:00.000+01:00

As a Pompey fan for as long as I can remember I think I'm fairly well placed to make the title comment. We've been in the Premiership for two seasons and are just starting our difficult third campaign under the chairmanship of Milan 'The Saviour' Mandaric.

Following the circus that was the departure of 'Arry Redknapp and the brief tenure of Velimir Zajec, we now have Alain (Reggie) Perrin at the helm. Not content with trying to keep the team that had maintained our Premiership status for two years, Reggie has carried on from where his predecessor left off and continued dismantling the 'side that 'Arry built', replacing them with, mostly, average players. Will he have enough time to revamp and mould 'his team' into a side capable of avoiding relegation? Only time will tell, but at this present time I wouldn't fancy us to beat an egg, let alone our relegation rivals.

But if we're relegated it won't bother me. I've followed Pompey since I was a young lad and have seen them in every spot imaginable. Each home game in the Premiership sees the Fratton Park faithfull get quieter and more expectant. Fratton Park used to be an intimidating place to come, but the Premiership softens you up. That's why I'll shed no tears if we are relegated this season. To be completely honest I prefer the football league. It's real football for real fans. The way it should be.

Beam me up Scotty.

The mighty mighty England!

2005-08-29T10:18:00.000+01:00

Just back from Trent Bridge where Gile-o and Hoggy managed to squeeze those last few runs needed for a 2-1 lead.

It's been an amazing series. Utterly outplayed in the first test and I think we all thought that a four or five nil drubbing was on the cards. Fuck that! Vaughan's boys buckled down and have basically outthought and outfought the Aussies in the three tests since. Credit to the convicts though - they've made a contest of each of the last three by having a session or two of genius in each.

How they managed to even get close at Edgbaston I'll never know. The way they hung on at Old Trafford was right out of the top drawer, and to nearly pull it out of the bag, defending a meagre 129 yesterday, had to be seen to be believed. Thoughts of Headingley '81 came rushing back. 'It's deja vu all over again!'

Touts were selling tickets for Saturday at £200 a pop! Criminal? Not really - no-one was twisting your arm to buy one, and, take it from me, they had no shortage of customers. I never thought that I'd live to see the day where cricket would outstrip football for popularity, (if only for a few weeks). For a while now the back pages have relegated the footie to the inside pages, elevating the reporting of this immense series to the back, (and sometimes even front), pages.

So onto the Oval we go. Fingers crossed.

Lastly a gripe about TV coverage - I can't think of many sports in which I'd favour terrestrial coverage over Sky, but cricket is certainly one. Next year there will be no 'free to air' live cricket in this country. What a fucking shame! Channel 4's coverage is superb. How Sky are going to get up to speed over the winter I don't know. We'll also have to deal with the annoyance that is Charles Colville. I've met the guy on a few occasions and I can say, without fear of contradiction, that he is a prick! Sack him and get Mark Nicholas in. Now! And while you're at it, bring Boycott, Benaud et al as well.